SUCRD – PENYAKIT DAN GYM

SUCRD – PENYAKIT DAN GYM


I am 33 years old. Even though my height is still that of a middle schooler. The thing is that people get sick nowadays and it makes me restless. Nowadays, people as young as in their thirties get sick. Some have diabetes… My friend was just hospitalized in Rumah Sakit Pusat Pertamina because of a heart attack. I went there to see him and I cried. Not because he was sick but because I was afraid that I might be next. Because we’re the same age. When you’re the same age you start to think if you might get it too. My whole lifestyle is similar to his. But he got a heart attack. My friend, a writer from Bali… …I think about two years ago… …suffered from stroke. And I asked him, he’s the same age as me. “How did you get a stroke?”, he said “I don’t know.” “I was sweeping my house,” he lives in Bali. “I was sweeping and I got a call, it was good news. I was so happy, I couldn’t feel half of my body.” “I went to the hospital and they said I had a stroke.” Listening to that, I thought to myself, that might happen to me. The thing is that I’m often on TV and live. What if it happens when I’m live? The last time I was live was when I received an award from Net TV. Most Creative Person in Indonesia. Can I have a round of applause? It makes me quite proud. I didn’t pay anyone for that. Can you imagine if I’m there sitting… “The most creative person award goes to Raditya Dika!” Then I’m happy like “Yaaay!” I get up to the stage all happy then I suddenly have a stroke. “I would like to thank…” Then because I’m a comedian, people will be like “Oh he’s being funny!” “This is real, you idiots!” Then I walk away. The older you get, the more diseases you are prone to. I was diagnosed, now this is true, I got this disease. It’s when my immunity system starts to attack healthy cells in my body. So my eyes and my skin get dry very easily. So this area right here… …when I just woke up or if I’m stressed, there’s like a red patch right here. What’s not fun is when I see the doctor. Because the dermatologist is usually combined with urologist. When I get in line to see that doctor and sit down, I feel like I am being judged by the other people there. I see a patient looking at me, I look back… “Do you have syphilis too?” “Oh, same!” Uncomfortable, right? What’s not fun about being old, like I am now… …is that to maintain your health, you need to hit the gym. If not, you will have a fat belly. The thing is that I hate the guys at the gym. You know the type, right? They are the tackiest species of guys in my opinion. It’s because they think they’re cool. They have big chests, like chickens. Small legs but wide chests. They meet other gym guys and do a chest bump. Leaving red marks all over here. Why do they have big chests? What’s the point in having big chests for guys? Then some people show off and be like “Look I can move this…” How is it useful for your daily life? Is it to keep your bottle in place? Why would you need to move your chest? And I am not impressed with the movements of your chest. Unless you can make your nipples move. “Hey look, it can turn around.” The other can separate. “Look I can sink my nipples in!” That… That will be impressive. These gym guys… Really weird. If they meet… If they meet me at the gym, I’m skinny and lanky, right… I’d put on a happy face and be like “Hey, how are you doing?” They just raise an eyebrow like… hmph. That’s all. Sometimes they do a backflip. And they make their voices sound deeper. When they are using an equipment, they are so noisy. They use a barbell and be like… It’s like that spicy noodle challenge. Meanwhile beside him is me using the barbell for ladies, the colorful one. “You look cool.” That’s why I… That’s why I go to the gym early in the morning. The thing is… Since I am a very punctual person… I come at 11. Someone else comes at 11 and it’s this foreigner. I always end up meeting him. I don’t know his name, but we’ve exchanged glances once in a while. And he is the tacky type but like even tackier. He wears this thin kind of undershirt. But since he’s a foreigner, he’s big. He keeps staring at me when he’s working out. The problem is… I always use locker number 10 at the locker room. He uses number 11. So we’re always next to each other. So when I… Hey why are you even mocking me? “Aww he’s using a locker.” I will be like behind him and “Guess who??” Awww… Why would you “awww” me? Where was I? I just found out… …the most distinctive difference between foreigners and Indonesians… …when they are about to shower. Indonesians… …put their towel to the front. Then they take off their pants. Then they shower. Foreigners don’t do that. He comes and takes the towel, puts the towel beside him. Then he just takes his pants off. Out like that. He’s next to me, right. First time I was like… something is not right. Sasuke? I was shocked for the first time because was never confronted like that. Something is not right, so I turn… He was stark naked like this… We had eye contact. What am I supposed to do? It’s a culture I am not familiar with. As an Indonesian, what do I do? As a friendly Indonesian… Do I look at him and say… “Hey, what’s your name?” I meant his thigh. No NSFW.

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